Columns LaFayette Sun

Humor: ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE

It’s been a whole week since I’ve worked into a conversation that my grandson and his fiancé both graduated from the Medical College of Georgia. Unfortunately, along with this new title comes a challenge. Ain’t no way I’m going to call him Doctor. For years it has been weird enough to call my sorry son-in-law #4 a Doctor, even though he gives me free x-rays and old- people cream, but to have to call my grandson a Doctor is a no-go. It was only five years ago that this very grandson was hula-hooping for my birthday and only ten years ago he was terrorizing his siblings. I saw him swing a golf club right into the eye of his younger brother. Ironically, he’s a Pediatrician now, and children are looking to him for help.
We very much take our health for granted when we’re young. Young is a relative term, and to me it’s described as anyone who can still be allowed to drive a car. As a young adult, it never occurred to me to go to the doctor. If I got sick, I went to work as usual and maybe went to bed a little earlier that night. I certainly didn’t go see a doctor.
The phrase Medical Check-up was never in my vocabulary. Then I turned 80, and not only do I get annual check-ups, but they’re required. It’s the doctor’s idea, not mine! I had two such check-ups this past week, and it’s a wonderful way to meet another old person. The lobby of the Cardiologist is like a crowded bar for old people. If you’re 80 and single and ready to mingle, don’t waste your time on SilverSingles.com. Instead you might want to try Dr. Holmes’ office.
Last year my cousin sent me some medical terms and their alternative definitions. Of the list below, one of them had already been in my joke book. My EYE doctor told me after my procedure that I might DILATE. I told him he was about 20 years too late for that to be true.
Bacteria- back door to cafeteria
Barium- what doctors do when patients die
Benign- what you be after you be eight
Caesarean section-a neighborhood in Rome
catscan – searching for kitty
cauterize-make eye contact with her
dilate- to live long
enema- not a friend
fester- quicker than someone else
fibula- a small lie
impotent- distinguished, well known
labor pain- getting hurt at work
medical staff- a doctor’s cane
morbid- a higher offer than I bid
nitrates- cheaper than day rates
node- I knew it
outpatient- a person who has fainted
pelvis- second cousin to Elvis
recovery room- place to do upholstery
seizure- Roman emperor
tumor- one more than one more
urine- opposite of you’re out
varicose- near by/close by
Meanwhile try these out on your Orthopedic doctor and tell him it’s for his funny bone.

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