By Scott Sullivan
Editor
‘Tis the season when many Michiganians flee to Florida. Who can blame us? Ice and snow vs. sunshine and warmth? No brainer.
One problem: Floridians live in Florida. Lately they’ve been restless. In this last month:
- ‘Tis falling iguana time again. With the first cold blast reaching the Sunshine State early this month, paralyzed reptiles have resumed tumbling from trees and bonking people on the head.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission warns against trying to help the disabled reptiles. “Once they recover and warm up, they could act defensively,” it cautions. Also, it’s illegal to relocate or release captured iguanas. Just let them lie, says the agency. - Another threat from the heavens is flying ducks. Hillary Martin of Orange County sued Seaworld Orlando for $50,000 after being struck by a duck while riding its Mako roller coaster.
Martin said the errant waterfowl flew into the coaster’s path, hit her face and knocked her out, adding Seaworld created a “zone of danger” by placing the ride near a water body.” The word “Seaworld” does not imply that? No word on the duck’s condition or injuries. - Alfredo Brindnis, 72, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after he entered a Miami Publix store restroom “frantically and began to bang on the stall door,” Local10-TV reported.
When the victim exited the stall, Brindis waved a knife at and tried to slash him, but the victim shielded himself with a bookbag and fled alive. Brindis told police afterward that he needed to go bad. - Other Florida restrooms also don’t offer respite. On Nov. 4, per police reports, Karen Dedert, 58, woke up her husband Richard early by standing over him and asking where their son was. Then she said, “I need to sacrifice and kill you both.”
She tried stabbing Richard with a knife, but he blocked the attack and locked himself in a bathroom. Later, she lunged at him with the knife again, cutting his arm.
Richard escaped and called police. When they arrived, Karen was still in the house. She said she didn’t want to talk but volunteered, “These aren’t the clothes I was wearing when I stabbed him.” She was charged with attempted first-degree murder - Tucker Kemp, 31, of St. Petersburg stopped for tea at a local Starbucks last month and noticed a pride flag hanging on the wall there.
He told the manager he was offended by it and they should put up an American flag instead. Then he threw his tea at the flag, tore it off the wall and stuffed it in a trash can.
Kemp was arrested for criminal mischief, spent a few hours in jail and was subsequently terminated from his job at the Dignity Memorial funeral home. - Consequences were grave for another Florida man, Anthony Day of Lakeland, who told police last week he was taking part in a TikTok challenge when walking “buck naked” on Broken Arrow Trail in 36° temperatures.
“You know what buck-naked means. He’s not even wearing any socks,” Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd explained. “You can be naked and wearing socks, but buck-naked means you don’t have anything on.
“We asked him, ‘Are you cold?’ Judd continued. Not a bit, Day answered. What are you doing? Well, it’s a TikTok challenge. You don’t even have your cell phone. You’re really naked when you don’t have your cell phone,” Judd explained.
“He went to the jail without any clothes on,” the Sheriff continued. “That’s how he arrived at book in. We said, ‘Here he comes, buck-naked.’”
Day was charged with disorderly conduct, resisting an officer without violence and exposure of sexual organs. How he could video a TikTok challenge without a camera remains unanswered.
The nearest place to Florida I could drive to was Pullman Tavern. “Zeke …” I began.
“Look out for the falling iguanas!” cried the bartender.
BONK!
“… and flying duck!”
WHACK!
“Don’t go in the bathroom,” Zeke warned further. “Richard Dedent’s in there trying to fend off Alfredo Brindis.
In walked Tucker Kemp, who tore a pride flag off the wall and draped it over a buck-naked Anthony Day.
I knew I’d come to the right place.
“Decency at last!” Zeke said.
