By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Fossils
Scientists have named a 330 million-year-old creature found fossilized in limestone Syllipsimopodi bideni after President Joe Biden. That makes Biden older than dinosaurs. Go figure.
The fossil, discovered in Montana, was donated to the Royal Ontario Museum where it sat undisturbed in a drawer from 1988 till recently when paleontologist Christopher Whalen pulled it out, inspected it and noticed its preserved arms were covered in tiny suckers.
Biden is the oldest vampyropod, or vampire squid, a 10-legged relative of octopi, Whalen says. Researchers, named it after the newly-elected POTUS because they were encouraged by Biden’s plans to fund more scientific research.
There are many ways politicians resemble slimy vampires that rely on suckers to keep them in place and have ink sacs at their disposal.
If you think being two-faced helps, try nine brains — a donut-shaped central one plus separate ones in each arm. Think people have problems when their left hands don’t know what the right is doing? Think of eight, each with its own idea.
You can’t have paleontology without politics. The more brains, the more mixed up we get. Some dispute Whalen’s claims that Syllipsimopodi bideni is a new species. Christian Klug for one thinks it instead is a Gordoniconus beargulchensis. I often confuse them too.
Both agree that without proper chemical analysis — hint, hint, Joe, send money — it could be impossible to say without a doubt it is one thing or the other. It’s amazing how waving money helps people find common ground. You’d think we were single-sell beasts from another epoch.
When whatever it is shuffled off its mortal coil in a tropical bay — Who knew Montana had these — it left something rare: a soft-tissue fossil 82 million years older than the previous confirmed found vampyropod, if it is one.
Why argue current events when Paleozoic ones have more tenure? The world has been going to hell for far longer than I remember. Many faiths share stories about a god, angered by man’s wickedness, booting us out of gardens, sending floods and so on. Boy, did we learn our lesson.
So I’d like to say I was edified by my fellow white male at the health club who affirmed the world’s going to before I could even prompt him.
“Because of Trump’s buddy Putin?” I countered, regretting instantly I had baited the diatribe coming.
“If Trump was president, Putin wouldn’t have dared to invade,” the Angry White Male said.
“Watch anything besides Fox News?” I asked.
“CNN sometimes.”
“Like conspiracy theories?
“Sometimes.”
Time to change subjects. He sat at the Old Men’s Table with Stormin’ Norman, who I knew had a sense of humor. “If you really want to know why the world’s going to hell,” I said, “ask Norm about his wife’s cats.”
Russia invading Ukraine, our crisis du jour, is terrible. So is inflation, global warming, the heartbreak of psoriasis and Norm’s wife’s cats, if you can believe him.
But why the anger — and media money made fanning it among liberals and conservatives — prevalent in white males who can afford health clubs in the first place?
Want to make things better? Start by taking action instead of bitching. Why not count our blessings before launching litanies of our grievances? Weighing what’s good and bad lends perspective that helps us build.
I considered telling this Angry White Male that science, as reported in The Evil New York Times no less, had found evidence Biden was older than dinosaurs.
But he seemed more the type to rant about trans restrooms than enjoy a spirited debate about Syllipsimopodi bideni versus Gordoniconus beargulchensis. Besides, since we all know cats are for liberals like Norm’s wife, he’d be sure to spare no invective.
I’ve read countless stories about cat and dog people — a debate I can sink my teeth into — but few about schizoid folks like me who have both. Not to mention my wife’s birds and bunnies. All have their own brains too, at least of a sort.
The dogs raid the trash and fridge; the cats scratch me and knock screens off windows. We brought these grievances on ourselves by adopting them, but harvest joys too. Then there’s our daughter who says, “If you think Biden is a fossil, look at yourselves.”
It’s a mixed bag this coexisting. All that’s worse is loneliness; we can bring that on ourselves too.
Si qaeris ipsi amoenam circumscpice, If you seek a pleasant life, look about you first.
