By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Porch Geese
There is no better sign America has been made great again than the return of porch geese.
“Life-size decorative goose statues for the lawn, garden or porch aren’t a new idea,” reports the Washington Post’s Kate Morgan. “They were popular in the 1980s, particularly in the Midwest.
“Now they’re making a big comeback as younger people flock to the trend, possibly as an antidote to uncertain times,” she says.
I’ll vouch for that. I was suffering from dread and angst about war, inflation, Trump, Biden, bird flu, Asian carp and the heartbreak of psoriasis when I plunked a concrete goose on my front step and worries vanished.
“It’s an escape from everything we’re dealing with every day, everything in the news cycle,” says Heather Hintz, e-commerce head at Gaggleville, which has advertised geese in its catalog for decades. “This is something that just brightens people’s day.”
A big part of the trend is dressing the birds, writes Morgan. Say in a raincoat if floods are forecast or setting it aflame in case ICE is coming.
A new Porch Goose Club of America Facebook group now has more 200,000 who post pictures and vie for the title of Porch Goose of the Month, Morgan says.
The Post has taken an interesting turn since Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos took it over. Morgan went on to probe origins of porch geese, citing scholars like Carla Bruni, a preservation and resiliency specialist at the Chicago Bungalow Association.
Bruni says the faux fowl first appeared in the mid-20th century in the upper Ohio River Valley and spread throughout the Midwest by the 1980s.
“In some religions,” Morgan writes, “geese symbolize loyalty and morality — themes also associated with the growth of American suburbs dominated by single-family homes.
“There may be other symbolism behind porch geese,” she goes on. “Legend has it that in 387 when invading Gauls tried to overtake the Roman army in the middle of the night, a flock of geese honked and woke the sleeping troops.”
“Pliny the Elder credits geese with saving Rome,” Bruni said. “The statues may be a symbol of the goose protecting the house.”
A cop rapped on my door.
“Yes?” I answered.
“Sir,” he said, “your neighbors are complaining about your porch geese.”
“I don’t have any Portugese.”
“PORCH GEESE.”
“Oh, those? They’re a symbol of my morality.”
“Their ferocity is putting the fear of God in them,” said the officer.
“Something better.”
“Then there’s your bathtub madonnas, pink flamingos and gardeners’ buttocks …”
Ping! my phone went. “Wait, there’s more,” I said.
It was Plants Delight Nursery in Raleigh, N.C. texting me its rare Amorphophallus Titanum (Homo Erectus) was growing 5 inches daily and expected to flower Aug. 2-4.
Such plants, as their name suggests, can be quite a spectacle, sending single shafts up as high as 12 feet before opening in a massive bloom that only stays open for 24-48 hours, “so if you’d like to experience the unique rotten meat fragrance for which the genus is known,” the nursery’s text invited, “the smell should peak the first afternoon of opening.”
I clicked a link to their 24/7 webcam and there it was.
“I’m getting one of these for my porch too,” I told the officer. “Think the neighbors fear me now? Just wait!”
