By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Finding Jesus
Last time we checked on Florida Man, he was had moved on from building Alligator Alcatraz and trying to cross the Atlantic in a hamster wheel.
Recent headlines:
- Florida man bites brother’s penis off after finding him having sex with a cousin on his favorite Dragon Ball Z blanket.
- 400-lb. Florida woman survives sexual assault by herd of manatees.
- Florida man with no legs arrested for kicking his wife’s ear off.
- Naked Florida man hides in tanning bed after trying to set gym on fire at closing time.
- Golf cart driving Florida man tries to blow up neighbor’s chickens with home-made whiskey bomb during dispute over BB gun.
- Florida man arrested for kidnapping 27 people and forcing them to play Yahtzee for 36 hours straight.
- Florida man charged with biting head off pet snake during domestic dispute.
- Florida man claims he didn’t steal — says he only ate the “free half” of Slim Jims on sale for 50-percent off.
- Florida man clings to back of moving UPS truck to avoid deputies after Lowe’s shoplifting attempt.
- Naked Florida man hides in tanning bed after trying to set gym on fire at closing time.
- Florida man arrested after drug bust uncovers dog-fighting ring, 9-foot alligator.
- Florida man accused of posing as veterinarian, operating on pregnant dog.
- Florida couple arrested for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people.
As a business venture this intrigued me, so I dove deeper into the story. Seems Tito and Amanda Watts told buyers the $99.99 tickets were made from solid gold and reserved them a spot in heaven; just present it at the pearly gate and you’re in.
“I don’t care what the police say,” Tito told police. “The tickets are solid gold … Jesus gave them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get money to go to outer space.
“I met an alien named Steve,” he went on, “who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of drugs.
“You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up,” he said.
“We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and do drugs,” Amanda added. “I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the tickets. I just watched.”
Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash from the couple, drug paraphernalia and a baby alligator.
Now I knew the rest of the story, I just needed Jesus to hand me some golden tickets.
“Seen the Son of Man?” I asked Zeke the Bartender at Pullman Tavern. “I couldn’t find him behind the KFC.”
“Pullman doesn’t have a Kentucky Fried Chicken,” Zeke said.
“OK, back of Ralph’s chicken shack. Almost got blown up by a whiskey bomb. But no Jesus.”
“Lessee,” Zeke said. “Had a guy named Immanuel stop by for a Heaven’s Gate cocktail couple hours ago. Said he had to get back to game of Yahtzee.”
“In that case I’ll take a Blatz,” I said. “Got any Slim Jims on sale?”
“Oh no,” Zeke said. “You’re still owe from last time.”
I hopped on the back of a moving UPS truck to escape but fell off onto a Dragon Ball Z blanket just as my brother “Jaws” pulled up.
“Don’t do it,” I pleaded. “Or I’ll never have sex with a herd of manatees again! By the way, seen Jesus?”
“Just saw a guy named Immanuel on his way to a Yachtzee game,” Jaws said. “He said he’d been kidnapped.”
“We have to save him!”
“How do you save the Savior?”
“Same way a legless man kicks his wife’s ear off.”
“Listen, give me my blankie back and I’ll buy you a Blatz at the tavern.”
“I’m gonna need more than one,” I said.
