President Trump has announced he plans to somehow annex or take over Canada and make it into our 51st state.
I am not certain of the finer details of his aspiration and question if he has any real plans. Besides, we tried taking over Canada twice before and got our tail feather singed.
I have a penchant for counter-factuals, where things are reversed. For example, what would have been the outcome of the American Revolution if Lord Cornwallis won the Battle of Yorktown? What would have happened if Lee had been victorious at Gettysburg? You get the general idea. We ask those questions on almost any subject.
In this case, what if instead of co-opting Canada we asked if we could become part of their country?
For one thing, we’d get the Windsor Family, starting with Charles and Camilla as the king and queen. Remember, we already have Charles’ No. 2 son living here, so that would save on moving expenses if he was named the governor. Even better, we get a two-for-one deal because Meghan and Harry seem to be joined at the hip.
The U.S. already shares hockey, baseball and basketball leagues with Canada, but we have different football rules so that might need ironing out.
We could make a deal with our northern neighbors to expand their curling leagues. You know, that shuffleboard-like game on ice, only with granite rocks imported from Scotland, brooms and crowds that will break out with the shout of “Sweep!”
Curling can be played by old geezers and geezerettes, some of whom have had a few too many cans of Molson or Moosehead. It is a peaceful game and I’ve never seen a brawl break out.
Slightly less peaceful, we would get more lacrosse than ever before. And we can watch lawn hockey. Now that looks like a nice sport but the players, especially on women’s teams, really go at each other with their sticks and sharp elbows.
If we are allowed to become the newest province of Canada we’ll get some interesting additions to our menu. The first will be the national dish, poutine. It’s a side of French fries and cheese curds covered in a brown gravy.
The nice thing about poutine is that the fries can be stale or soggy, and they still taste the same. I wouldn’t encourage you to eat it cold or even room temperature. Nor do you want to try poutine ala mode for dessert.
From Newfoundland, we would be able to eat our fill of cod’s tongue and cheek. It is exactly as bad as it looks and sounds. If you have trouble summoning up the courage to sample it, a shot or two of Newfie Screech will make you far less inhibited.
Try the fish, and don’t forget your veggies by tucking into a big bowl of dulce. It’s seaweed, but calling it dulce seems nicer — just as we no longer speak of Chilean Bone Fish but call it tilapia. After you finish your meal, another bump of screech might be a good idea.
From Alberta we would get a new delicacy —smoked moose tongue. It tastes pretty good, sort of like tough beef, but fair warning because it can cause a little gastric interruption of the loud and odoriferous variety. Teenage boys love it, not so much for the taste as the after-effects, especially around adults in a closed room. The less sophisticated fellows think it is a great way to get the attention of young women.
Instead of FBI agents in black suits, white shirts and black ties, the Canadians up the style. They get to wear Smokey the Bear hats and red coats on important occasions, do a lot of horseback riding and they love to sing. Maybe you’ve seen or heard the “Lumberjack Song.” You’ll never meet a nicer bunch of gendarmes that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Lumberjacks there even have their own theme song, “The Log Driver’s Waltz.” It’s a catchy tune and you can learn the words to it on social media. Once you get that song down pat, you can move along to “God Save the King,” “Oh Canada” and for extra credit “The Maple Leaf Forever.”
Canadian politics are lively. Whereas we use the congressional system, they have a parliament where elected members sit on long benches on opposite sides of a big room. There is considerable real estate between them, just in case things get a too heated. They debate back and forth, sometimes hurl dandy insults, then at day’s end go off to their dining room for a few bumps of Newfie Screech.
One nice thing is that they have a maximum of five years between elections, but it is variable. If they elect a real dunce as prime minister, Canadians can show them the door through a vote of no confidence.
Joe Clark from Alberta rose all the way up from Minister for Fisheries to PM, but he only lasted about nine months. Kim Campbell takes the record for the shortest tenure: from June until November 1983, when she was given the Royal Order of the Boot out of office. The Honourable Members then made her their nation’s first ambassador to Disneyland.
It gets even better. The prime minister gets to call for an election at any time during his or her five years in office. There is none of this perpetual campaigning business that goes on for years in this country.
Six weeks after the announcement, the vote is held and the winter becomes PM the next morning. And they have a spending limit, which would handle our campaign financing crisis too.
The one problem with petitioning to become part of Canada is that nation has this ethos of “Good.” “Canada the Good” they sometimes call it. They try to be a good neighbor to the rest of the world, good neighbors to each other and good citizens who look after people, the environment and business.
If they are going to let us in, we’ll have to promise to be on our best behavior, polite, use good manners, say please and thank you, and that sort of thing.
They have been so successful at it that most citizens realize guns aren’t necessary to resolve things. It happens but rarely.
Right now, when our President talks of taking over the Great White North, they aren’t arming their militias; everyone is practicing a hockey maneuver used when checking an opponent against the boards: sharp elbows. If you hear the phrase “Elbows Up,” look out.
I hope it warms up soon, because maybe our President and their Prime Minister can meet somewhere on the border, have their aides open up a card table, chairs and nice cloth. We’ll bring hush puppies and grits while they bring some poutine and Timmy’s (Tim Horton donuts).
Maybe we’ll forget this idea of taking over another country and just agree the best thing for the world is for all of us to be good neighbors.
