I was talking with my son recently, and somehow we got on the topic of these pre-recorded prank calls he used to get. Unlike most of us he enjoys engaging with these pranksters. He know they are fraudsters but gets enjoyment out of carrying on a conversation with them.
It all started with a late-night call, from an Asian man who introduced himself as Fung Lau, and wanted compensation for my son t-boning his vehicle. (Anyone who knows my son, knows he doesn’t drive.) My son politely explained that and hung up the phone.
However, “Fung Lau” called back the very next day. Although, in that call, his name wasn’t Fung Lau, he didn’t have an Asian accent, and he wasn’t calling about his car. It was something completely different.
This went on for months. At about 12, 1 a.m., “Fung Lau” would call about some fictional occurrence, or with strange request, and always with a new name and accent.
My son would pick up, and respond to his questions, just to see where it led the conversation. He recorded a few of the more hilarious ones. Here are the transcripts.
CAN I CONNECT TO YOUR WIFI?
Yeah. Hello. This is Rakeesh.
Hello, Rakeesh.
I live in the neighborhood, actually. Could I ask you but one favor?
Sure!
Yeah, listen, my internet is not working right now. So I wanted to just connect to your Wi-Fi. Can you give me the password?
Listen to me Rakeesh…
Don’t worry. I’m only going to use it for one day and then my internet will be back up.
I know.
So what?! I have work to do. I can’t do work without internet.
You’re going to do work at one o’clock in the morning?
Can’t you just help me out?
Are you doing work at one o’clock in the morning?
Listen, I have your IP address, okay. So, if you don’t give me the password, I will just connect directly to your computer.
That’s not how that works.
I work in IT support, so I know how to hack into a computer, okay. You don’t want to mess with me, mother yucker!
You don’t want to mess with me either, because I work for the Michigan State Police.
Okay, so IP number 78.157.34.50. I’m going to connect to your computer right now
Is that right? Try it with me.
Call disconnects.
YOU PUT A BONE IN MY PIZZA!
Hello
Hello
Yeah, I want to make a complaint about a food experience I have in your store
Sure.
I took a bite into a slice of your pizza… and I chip my tooth on a bone
Ah, I see.
I could have choked on it mother yucker. Since when do you start putting bones in the pizza?
Actually, it’s not a regular thing. We did it especially for you.
I want to get compensation for this. Can you deliver to me, two free pizzas for the inconvenience?
Unfortunately, we are closed.
Why don’t I just put comments all over the internet saying you put a bone in my pizza? I will have everybody in my call center give you zero stars. Have it your way, mother trucker!
Thank you! Have fun in your self-admitted call center, threatening to hack my internet and harassing me over pizza.
Call disconnects.
CAN I BUY YOUR DOG?
Hello.
Hi. It’s Abdu. How are you?
I’m good. How are you?
I live in the neighborhood, actually. I had one important question to ask you. Do you have a second?
Sure.
Yeah, I’ve seen you walking your dog in the neighborhood. It’s always been like the cutest dog I have ever seen in my life. What is their name if you don’t mind me asking?
It’s Rakeesh.
Are you still with me?
I’m with you.
Listen, I want to buy that dog from you, please. How much would you be willing to sell it to me for?
I don’t have a dog.
Look, name your price. I will pay anything. 500? 1000? 1500?
I don’t have a dog.
Okay, okay, look, 2000 dollars, final offer.
I don’t have a dog.
Speak up. I can’t hear you.
I don’t have a dog, sir. I can’t sell you a dog.
Come on. It’s not even worth half that much. Are you stupid?
I don’t have a dog.
Okay. Listen to me. You better keep that thing on the leash, or I’m going to come over here and steal it from you. Okay?
I’m going to come over there and report you for these dog and pizza calls.
Call disconnects.
YOUR DOG POOPED ON MY LAWN!
Yeah. Hi there. This is Buck calling. How are you doing?
I’m good. How are you?
I don’t think we ever met, actually. I’m your neighbor… Listen, okay. I’ll just come to the chase. I’m tired of picking up your dog poop off my lawn.
Well, you see, I don’t have a dog.
I’ve seen you walking the dog, okay. He poo poo all oooover my doorstep and you don’t ever pick it up.
I don’t have a dog.
What did you say?
I said I don’t have a dog.
Don’t make excuse with me, okay. Stop being a big liar.
You listen to me. I don’t have a dog.
Yesterday, I stepped in a big piece of doo-doo. I spent the whole day cleaning the feces off my shoes.
I’m sure you did.
Don’t let it happen again, okay… or there’s going to be big trouble for you and your dog.
I don’t have a dog.
Calm down, Big Boy!
Hey, listen to me…
I’m going to come leave a big stink right on your doorstep, ok Big Boy?
Hey! Hey! Listen to me…
Okay. I’m coming to knock on the door right now, okay?
Yeah, I’m waiting. I’m right here. Come knock on my door.
45 seconds of silence, then the call disconnects.
Be careful when you pick up your phone and you don’t recognize the person on the other end. Fraudsters have dozens of scams. Some involve impersonating police or the IRS. Others want to buy your car or sell you a purebed dog. Be vigilant, and never engage with these people, unless your my son, of course.
