Believe it or not, one of the most requested additions readers seek in our newspapers is horoscopes. Unfortunately we just don’t have the space to publish a regular Horoscope column. However I came across this rather humorous (some would say cruel) Horoscope piece in Reddit recently and thought I would share. See how you stack up against this. Remember it’s all in jest.
Taurus- You should probably pay those overdue bills before you order any mor UberEats. You are too lazy to wipe the crumbs off your bed, or God forbid, buy a new pillow to raplace that awful yellow-colored abomination you sleep on every night. Either get up and clean your room, or enjoy rotting in bed for another month.
Gemini- You aren’t just two-faced, you have an entire flip-book of faces and you don’t even try to hide the fact that you are a deceitful, insincere, vile excuse of a human being. Your FBI agent goes to therapy because of you. You are going to commit arson this month.
Cancer- By the age of 4, most children develop the ability to understand that other people’s thoughts and feelings are different from their own. You apparently missed this crucial developmental milestone. You think you know how people should feel better than they do. And that death grip you have on the past? Yeah don’t let go. Remember all the pain you’ve caused and that it’s because of who you are as a person.
Sagittarius- You don’t know what you are talking about most of the time and will throw an epic tantrum if anyone beats you in an argument. Congrats on bringing the most rancid vibes to every discussion because of your insistence on playing the Devil’s Advocate.
Capricorn- You know, you don’t have to treat every person in your life as little more than just another rung on whatever social or professional ladder you are climbing. This month try to focus on trying not to be a cold, distant jerk. And no you can’t list ‘work’ as a hobby on your dating profile.
Aquarius- You’re just a bit of a nothing person. If you disappeared from the world, no one would even notice. How does it feel to have absolutely no meaningful relationships in your life?
Aries- There is no horoscope, just proceed to therapy.
Scorpio- You do realize normal people don’t have archnemeses, right? You’re not a sympathetic Disney villain, wronged by the entire world. Sometimes you should just wallow in your own pain, instead of taking it out on others. Our advice? Just smoke some weed and chill out.
Libra- For someone who is literally incapable of making decisions, you sure do make a lot of bad ones. Expect to find yourself at a significant crossroads this month, and expect to make the wrong decision. But it’s ok- your life can’t get much worse than it is now.
Virgo- Stop buying so many calendars. No one wants to make plands with you. Maybe you’d actually have friends if you didn’t insist on pointing out every single flaw you supposedly see in other people. Consider a career change to Lice Removal Specialist because nitpicking is the only thing you’re good at.
Leo- God forbid you go one single day without getting any attention from strangers on the internet. If you could stop thinking about yourself for just one second, you’d notice that your loved ones have been slowly cutting you out of their lives for a while now.
Pisces- see Aries
