By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Wild Thing
A girl raised by apes has been found in northern India. The press there likens her to Mowgli, the wild boy in Rudyard Kipling’s novel “The Jungle Book,” which has been spun off into films, comic books and sessions of the United States House and Senate.
The New Indian Express reports woodcutters in the Katraniaghat forest range alerted authorities after spotting the girl, perhaps 10 years old, ringed by primates.
When a policeman approached her, the monkeys surrounded the girl, protecting her as one of their own, and attacked an officer while the child screeched at them. After “rescuing” the reluctant girl, he sped away in his patrol car, the monkeys chasing him.
When the girl arrived at a hospital in Bahraich, she had wounds all over her body and her nails and hair were unkempt, like monkeys. She could walk on her feet but often dropped down on all fours and scuttled around, using only her knees and elbows. She threw food on the ground and ate with her mouth directly from there, not lifting it with her hands.
We need to civilize these wild creatures. I suggest we launch cruise missiles at the monkeys to deter them from raising future House and Senate leaders. Or journalists, for that matter. Jack Sheridan sent me the following headlines, with photo captures from other newspapers, showing fake news is no match for bad copy editing:
- Diana was still alive hours before she died
- Lady Jacks off to hot start in conference
- Republicans turned off by size of Obama’s package
- Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
- Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
- Marijuana issue sent to joint committee
- Homeless survive winter; Now what?
- Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons
- Homicide victims rarely talk to police
- Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head
- City unsure why sewer smells
- Meeting on open meetings is closed
- Man accused of killing lawyer receives new attorney
- Barbershop singers bring joy to school for the deaf
- Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem
- New sick policy requires 2-day notice
- Starvation can lead to health hazards
- Parents keep kids home to protest school closure
- Bra celebrates two historic milestones
- Miracle cure kills fifth patient
Speaking of which, Your Healthy Life sent me a “Hack Your Brain” email recently that linked to a Fox News story claiming “Donald Trump Credits $4 Billion Empire to This Pill.”
When I clicked “Claim Yours Here” it pulled up an interview wherein the President told Dr. Oz, TV’s Great and Powerful, that using a tiny “smart drug” had given him “the mental and physical stamina that won me this election.”
The supplement InteliGEN, said Your Healthy Life, doubles IQ, skyrockets energy levels and connects brain areas that weren’t previously connected.
“I’ll buy this and have a higher IQ,” I told my wife. “Double or nothing.”
“Double your nothing?”
“Or,” I corrected her.
“Stop speaking with your mouth open.”
“Don’t you mean chewing?”
“No. When was the last time you combed your hair? Cleaned your nails?”
“I’m too busy copy editing to let hygiene bother me.”
“Like when you wrote the headline, ‘Conservancy fights invasive plans‘?”
“You’ll be sorry,” I warned, “when my energy skyrockets and I start ordering missiles fired at, ahem, parties who displease me.”
“Sez who?” she asked.
“Sez me!” Dr. Oz said,
“Quack-quack.”
“Tell that duck to shut up,” the Doctor ordered. “Do you know the cut I get when we sell these pills?”
“No.”
“Buy and already you’ll have learned something,” the Doctor said
