By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Chicken Run
Zoe Rosenberg faces up to five years in the pen for pilfering four chickens from a Perdue Farms poultry plant in Petaluma, Calif.
Her defense team argued the University of California senior and animal activist rescued the birds from abuse and death.
“This is not a whodunit, it’s a whydunit” Rosenberg confessed proudly, even videoing and streaming her theft-cum-rescue. “Thou shall not kill” overrides “Thou shall not steal” apparently. After the Sonoma County jury convicted her Zoe, she was anything but penitent. After all, she:
- At age 14 stormed the pitcher’s mound at a Los Angeles Dodgers game to protest maltreatment of animals used to make Dodger Dogs.
- At 16 chained herself to a slaughterhouse gate at California Polytechnic State University trying to save a cow.
- Also at 16, rushed onto the field at Levi’s Stadium during the College Football National Playoff Championship to unfurl a banner protesting cruel treatment by concession vendor and meat supplier Starbird and Petaluma Poultry.
- Two years later, chained herself to the basketball hoop at Memphis Grizzlies-Minnesota Timberwolves NBA playoff game to protest Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor’s farm that “roasted birds alive.” National media nicknamed her “Chain Girl” after that. Now this.
“This verdict,” said district attorney Carla Rodriguez, “affirms that no one is above the law. While we respect everyone’s right to free expression, it is unlawful to trespass, disrupt legitimate businesses, and endanger workers and animals in pursuit of a political or social agenda.”
“Nonsense,” Zoe’s supporters say.
Maybe we all should be so committed. I, for one, went to a differently-spelled institution, Purdue University, where poultry science was among the majors. A friend from then who was studying it recalled being greeted by a giant stuffed chicken every day before classes.
I thought Purdue Pharma could save me before its aggressive marketing painkiller OxyContin led to accusations Purdue fueled the opioid crisis.
“Zeke,” I told the bartender while musing Zoe’s verdict at the Pullman Tavern, “is the ‘Chain Girl’ a heroine or victim?”
“Like chicken nuggets to go with your boilermaker?” he asked.
“After being occupied by octopi defenders,” I said, “I’ve decided to just eat vegetables.”
“Plants feel pain too,” Zeke protested. “What about corn and seeds chicken eat? Weren’t they once living? The Perdue Petaluma Poultry Plant will persist into perpetuity as long as people need to eat.”
In walked Col. Sanders. “Hath not a potato eyes?” he accused. “Hath not corn ears? We sell them with chicken buckets. Hath not avocados hearts?”
“Thanks, Shakespeare,” said Zeke. “I just read you’re going to a more boneless menu to keep up with Chick-fil-A and Popeyes.”
In walked the Sailor Man. “Hath not spinach leaves?” he asked, gulping down a can. Cue trumpets and Popeye popping muscles like Barry Bonds. “I’m strong to the finish, ‘cause I eat me …”
“That’s how you justify spinach suffering? To sate your gluttony to beat up Bluto and save Olive Oyl?” asked Zoe.
“Who let her in here?” Zeke asked.
“She’s not in,” I said. “She’s chained to the doors outside.”
“No more nuggets for a while, I guess,” said Zeke. “How about fried octopus?”
Zoe pleaded for pity on octopi, prompting her PETA peers to pulled up in and pile out of Pullman cars to protest, while Perdue Petaluma Poultry Plant employees counterprotested. But none could pass Zoe chained to the door.
“I know!” said Popeye. “Doesn’t Santa come down the chimney? We could lower more chicken and octopi down through it to us!”
“If we had a chimney,” said Zeke.
“How about the back door?” the Colonel said.
