By Scott Sullivan
Editor
In the Navy
Police seek a suspect who smashed a car with a baseball bat last week near the Wyandotte Big Boy. The restaurant sculpture was too busy hoisting a burger to give a positive ID on him.
FOX 2 Detroit says the latter-day Babe Ruth, thinking the victim was driving too slow ahead of him, followed him into the parking lot, hauled out a Louisville Slugger and wham.
“He clearly cannot handle his emotions,” deputy police chief Archie Hamilton said. “He’s a hothead. He probably acts like this every day.
“Why does this guy have a baseball bat readily available? Has he done this before? Does he have it for protection? This is not normal,” the policeman said.
Archie’s right. Someone drives slow in front of me and out comes the Uzi. Boom! Then I pull around shards that remain and don’t have to worry. Too many people keep feelings pent up. Not me. Spontaneity is a key to my mental health.
“Morning Grind” radio show host Mike Johnson doesn’t know what became of the Big Boy he once had outside Coral Gables restaurant. There are many things Mike doesn’t know, but this one is easy.
What high school boy hasn’t stolen a Big Boy, giant chicken or other sculpture from outside a business and placed it on, say, the school roof or inside the superintendent’s office? Where I came from it was a graduation requirement. That or it got you expelled. Same difference.
When we become men we put away childish things, like in our garage or basement. During my 40s I went to a running camp in North Carolina. After hitting hills in the Pisgah National Forest, rehydrated going out drinking.
My wife will never let me forget the musical chairs game we played that night where I wound up dancing with a broomstick. “Better figure than you have,” I told her, “but at least you can ride it.” No global warming at our house since then.
Across the street from the dance hall a church marquee read, “Give and ye shall recieve.” “It’s misspelled,” said one of the campers, Stan. “We need to correct it.” Stan’s plan was to rent a hoist, sneak out of camp that night and reverse the “i” and “e” on the sign because they came after “c.”
“What if we get arrested?” I asked.
“I’m a lawyer,” he said.
We wound up sleeping it off, but as an editor I’m still haunted thinking churchgoers gave and did not receive because of an error we could have rectified.
I always thought Big Boy was a surrogate for Big Brother, always watching. Since no one repents unless they get caught, you must make sure there are no witnesses. Who in their right mind attacks a car without stealing the sculpture with a pompadour wearing checkered pants near it first?
Years ago I stood on a boom in a blizzard 150 feet over Wayland taking pictures down on a new Big Boy sign being installed near the freeway. I thought it would make a cool picture for my newspaper. “Cool” doesn’t come near what my fingers didn’t feel trying to work a camera while the bucket swayed and semis whizzed underneath me.
Those were the days I jumped out of airplanes, chased on-the-loose buffaloes, crazed with red eyes and sharp horns, into beanfields and raced to fires where nearby propane tanks were endangered. “Make sure to get closeups,” my publishers advised me.
Which is why I’m thrilled that the Navy has invented a device that stops people from talking. We are talking the ultimate weapon here. By repeating anything a speaker says milliseconds after it’s said disrupts the person’s concentration so much s/he shuts up, ideally.
The new Handheld Acoustic Hailing and Disruption (AHAD) device picks up only the target’s voice, only he or she hears it echoes, is stunned into silence and thinks s/he’s going crazy since no one else can hear what s/he’s hearing. Those around are equally baffled why the person shut up and agree s/he’s crackers.
What sane person thinks stuff like that? I always wanted to join the Navy. I could sail the seven seas, be an Indian chief, policeman construction worker just like The Village People. “They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit!” like they chanted/sang, before AHAD anyway.
There’s money to make selling people swings at old junk cars with a sledgehammer, baseball bat, broomstick or whatever. Venting frustrations matters, but only the few, the loud can host FOX News talk shows.
When in doubt I look to the heavens for inspiration. Who’d have known my wife and her broom would be up there skywriting “Surrender Dorothy”? Her and her little dog too.
