I may be nearly 93 years old, but being that I’m still on this planet, I have plenty of New Year’s Resolutions. Many of them are what others need to be doing, starting with Congress and Hollywood. My grandson pointed out that I’m being as divisive as the country if I just make a list showing what OTHERS need to do, so in an effort to be a team player, I have one list for others and one list for me. That should make everyone half-pleased and half-annoyed – which sounds about right for the mood of this country.
RESOLUTIONS FOR ME
- To abide by AOC’S suggested environmental regulations, I will dump my paint cans in the neighbors’ trash bins by the street rather than contaminate mine. If you don’t know who AOC is, it stands for Alexandria Occasionally Clueless
- I will refer to all young women as ladies rather than chicks. Somehow I will still get in trouble when I call over the waitress by saying “Hey Lady!” but it sounds better than “Hey Chick” from what my four daughters tell me…constantly. AOC – Always Omit Chick
- I promise, for now, not to wear my AU shirt out to LaFayette True Value Hardware. This will last until the National Championship game at which point the whole nation becomes Bulldog fans for the day.
- I will no longer label Democrat Monroe Smith as one of the Fredonia deplorables. Even the deplorables don’t need to be reminded about how badly the Biden camp is doing.
- I promise not to call my four sons-in-law as SORRY sons-in-law. That is until the gift season is over, as I have hinted to them that I need a new Yukon, a new ZTR mower and an elevator installed in my 2-story house.
- I will no longer throw “fits” about Dimwit Fitts at Norman Cleaners charging me the same price for washing my socks as he does for my wife’s coat.
- I will quit referring to Bobby Jennings as a “penny pincher.” The correct term should be a “manager of wealth.”
- I will quit bragging about my newspaper career by shoving the paper into all my friends’ mailboxes and saying, “Required Reading”. Instead, I will get Shanna, Twana, or Diane to do it.
RESOLUTIONS FOR OTHERS
- At each and every self-congratulatory event, Hollywood will be required to show proof of brains in addition to showing proof of vaccination.
- Congress shall resolve to have each member go work in a small business for a year. After the year is complete, they will be required to THEN vote on taxes and workplace laws.
- All sons-in-law of William R. Frazer shall resolve to paint, mow, and fix the plumbing at all dwellings belonging to any 93 year-old men who they’re related to.
- FOX NEWS, CNN, and local news shall resolve to never mention the OMICRON virus in the Year 2022. From hence forward, it shall be referred to as a cold.
- Lastly, the world resolves to acknowledge that the more we know, the more we realize what we DON’T know, and surely there is a GOD.
I don’t give myself or others much of a chance of succeeding in carrying these out. But as they say, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I am praying that we slam-dunk the Year 2022. Cheers to new beginnings!