Dr Lucy Pollock just published a new book: The Golden Rule: Lessons in Living from a Doctor of Ageing, Perhaps the most important of her rules is the most basic, “Do not work in a nursing home if you cannot be nice to people. It isn’t your workplace; it is their home.” Her book was written primarily for medical professionals and all of the staff members of any long-term elderly care facility. I think the lessons apply to all of us who have a loved one or friend living in one.
There is something else that needs to be addressed. The book is not about elder abuse, either physical or mental. Most reputable nursing homes are exceedingly vigilant about this. Anyone found abusing a patient in any way is instantly fired, the event is reported to the police, and often criminal charges are filed. Rather, this is an important book on respecting the residents. That is important for us as visitors; it may become important to us if we ever become a resident.
Somewhere in our forties or fifties, we realize our body is beginning to change. It’s the appearance of a few wrinkles that were not lining our face the day before; the hair that is turning grey. We shudder and realize we are getting older. Sometimes we tell ourselves, “Well, it is better than the alternative.” Many decide to fight back by spending more time at the gym, eating better, and taking care of our health and appearance. That works for a while.
Then comes the second shock to the system, usually when we are in our sixties, when family, friends, and co-workers began talking seriously about retirement. In particular, they seem to take an interest in your retirement. No matter how much you may fuss and complain about the old grind, the work, the people, and fantasize about retiring, when someone starts pushing you to do it that is another matter. Retirement is for geezers and geezerettes, and we are nowhere close to that age.
The worst of it is when someone tells another, “Doesn’t he (or she) look tired? Maybe it is getting to be a bit too much for them to handle. Do you think they still have the energy and are up to the job?” That is when they are ready to shove you out the door, like it or not.
Sometimes these are questions and observations of genuine concern and compassion. More often than not, they are just plain “catty.” In turn, that brings out the feistiness of Dame Maggie Smith or the prickliness of Clint Eastwood in us. And so it should. I firmly believe that one way to stave off many of the miseries of getting older is to fight back – hard.
If you have any doubts about this, whether you like or despise him, look at the saga of President Biden’s big announcement earlier this summer. He went through it.
Eventually, reality gives us a good solid kick. The body does start breaking down. We end up having surgery or perhaps break a bone or two used to keep us upright. While we are still in the hospital a cadre of discharge nurses, home care coordinators, social workers, and others want to have a serious conversation that often includes respite care at some place we’ll call Happy Vale Nursing Home. The professions say it is just temporary, but we are suspicious. We are anxious that we will be camping out there until the day someone perky young thing wants to have an even more serious conversation about being their permanent resident until we join the great celestial choir in sky.
It is not just the physical side of getting older that bothers us as much as it is the lack of personal autonomy. Residents in most facilitates find that their life is taken out of their hands, orchestrated, and regulated by the administration and employees. Part of it, indeed, a great part of it, is out of necessity. Even so, some residents feel like they are being treated as children and make unfavorable comparisons back to when they were youngsters. They were told when to get up, eat, participate in activities, and go to bed. That is painful for the resident and family.
Maybe the most grating of all is an aide or nurse whose sing-song voice is too cheerfully patronizing. For example, “How are WE feeling this morning?” or “Do you know what WE are having for lunch today?”
Close to it is the annoying habit of a care-giver making a statement, then tacking on “okay?” because they are uncertain the resident could hear and understand.
Another example of employees not being nice is when they want to talk with a resident who is in a wheelchair or sitting at a table. They remain standing. Perhaps you remember what it was like during your school days when a teacher would tower over your desk to literally talk down to you. It was unfriendly and intimidating. You didn’t like it then; I doubt residents in nursing homes like it today.
Thinking back, I remember only one adult, Dr. Polley, because he would drop down to his knees to talk face to face. I had no idea at the time that he was known around the world as one of the scientists who won the Nobel Prize for Medicine because they developed cortisone. It didn’t matter. He was a friend, and he wasn’t ‘too adult’ to drop down to my level.
Compare that towering intimidation to the final act in a military funeral at any cemeteries in our country. A member of the armed forces, in full dress uniform, kneels in front of a family member, back straight, the Stars and Stripes in hand, and as he or she passes the flag to the family. In a soft and somber voice, he or she quietly says, “On behalf of a grateful nation….” Now, that is respect. That is what the residents of our elder care facilities want and deserve. In one word: Respect.
I began by writing about not working in a nursing home if you cannot be nice. That should be extended to include visitors. If you are visiting someone in a facility, if you cannot be nice, stay home.
You and I both know that nursing homes can be intimidating places. Often, there are a few residents in wheelchairs sitting near the entrance, hoping a familiar face will come through the door. They want to reach out and touch guests. There are the smells and sounds, and the one thing that is in the back of our collective minds is, “Oh, I do not want to end up here.” That is why so many visitors are so uncomfortably stiff. They make it clear they do not want to be there. Neither do the residents, but they do not have a choice.
They are still worthy of respect. If you cannot be nice (and that includes respectful) perhaps it really would be better to stay home.
