By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Call of the Wild
There’s a monotony to monogamy but things could be worse. Say you’re Sherrone Moore, fired as Michigan football coach last week for having a years-long affair with a staffer, then breaking into her apartment and threatening to kill himself. Now, that’s adding spice to life.
Humans, per a Cambridge University study also released last week, rank seventh out of 35 animals on the monogamy scale at 66 percent, just behind beavers but edging meerkats.
California deer mice were on top at 100 percent and Scottish Soay sheep on the bottom due to ewes mating with several rams.
You ever think of being ewelike? Oxford don Robin Dunbar says religion inhibits many humans. “If these religions lose their force, serial monogamy, or polygamy by any other name, quickly emerges,” Dunbar says.
“There’s a risk here of confusing desire with reality: humans desire polygamy but are constrained into a grudging form of monogamy by social or religious threat,” the professor adds.
Not to worry; Moore’s wife, with whom he has three children, seems to bear a grudge too. Soon she’ll be his ex-.
I was trolling for chicks myself at the Pullman Tavern when animal rights activist Zoe Rosenberg, 23, asked what I was doing.
“What’s a hot babe like you …?” I began. She slapped me.
“Octopus killer!” Zoe cried. “Plus you’re old as hell.”
“How old is that?” I asked.
“You belong on an island for geriatric penguins,
Zoe spat. “The New England Aquarium in Boston has one set apart from the rest of its 38-penguin colony to ensure the older birds needn’t compete for turf with their often-aggressive younger peers.”
“Yes, but how old is a geriatric penguin?”
“Some are in their 30s and one reached over 40 years, roughly twice as long as African penguins live in the wilds of Namibia a due to threats of pollution and human overfishing.”
“That’s man for you.”
“On the island they’re given extra care and treatment for ailments such as supplements, anti-inflammatories for arthritis and eyedrops for glaucoma.”
“We treat old seals better than humans?”
“That’s how life should be,” Zoe said.
Zeke the Bartender walked up. “Zoe,” he said. “I hear a seal waddled into a New Zealand pub last week and walked around for 25 minutes while patrons made cracks like ‘He wants a drink on the rocks.’ He even visited the bathroom before owners lured him into a dog crate using salmon from a pizza special.
“’We’re turning into a zoo,’ sighed co-owner Bella Adams, whose dog-friendly South Island pub had earlier served a patron who brought in a bearded dragon for a drink.
“Just the week before,” Zeke went on, “a racoon broke into a Virginia liquor store, ransacked the hooch and passed out in the bathroom. What’s our business coming to?”
In walked Sherrone Moore and Robin Dunbar. “I thought you were done with bars,” the professor told Sherrone, who was eyeing Zoe.
In walked The Knack, who started singing “M-m-m-m my Sharona.”
“Blatzes for everyone,” I said. “Dragon too.”
“Wouldn’t he set his beard on fire?” Zoe asked, reaching for the extinguisher.
“Serve the seal too,” I said.
Lawyer Geoffery Fieger, brother of The Knack lead singer Doug, walked in and offered to represent Moore. “You’ll be my highest-profile client since Jack Kevorkian,” the ex-Michigan governor hopeful said.
“I’m at least 30 and no one offered me my own island,” I complained.
“How about Alcatraz, animal hater,” Zoe said.
“Isn’t that for alligators?” I asked.
In walked Donald Trump. “No, illegal immigrants,” he said. “Every time one gets loose, chomp.”
“And the gators get fed?” said Zoe. “Sounds good to me.”
