By Scott Sullivan
Editor
April Fools
A white-haired, wild-eyed septuagenarian staggered up to the first Meijer clerk he saw and cried, “Need a belt.”
“Don’t we all?” she said, slipping out a schnapps flask hidden in her waste pack. “You first.”
“I mean the kind that goes ‘round my waist,” he explained. “My last belt buckle, with the built-in beer can opener I never used, burst. But since you insist …”
At once fire filled his gut. “Another!” he demanded, but she‘d drained it. “This should be some shift coming up,” she said.
Up strutted her Supervisor. “A fine display,” he snorted. “Here, try these.” With an extension claw grabber he pulled three Fireball Cinnamon Whiskeys from the top shelf with an extension claw grabber. “BACs can’t go higher.”
“Speaking of hires,” a banty cock crowed. “I’m the Owner. “Someone grab DuraFlames — the 18-packs are on sale — to heat us more, make benches and a podium; Hohner harmonicas — they come cheap as $13.99. Know songs?”
“Open bar?” asked theWizened Crank. “l’ll invest in that.”
“No bids barred,” the primping Candidate said.
“Let me call my lawyer,” said the Wildman. “He’s bar certified, barred for mal-, mis- and non-feasance.”
“Perfect!” the Owner said.
As we awaited his arrival, Gardening showed up with DuraFlames — “a cleaner-burning, faster-lighting alternative to traditional firewood, producing fewer emissions and less creosote buildup in chimneys,” the label read; Toys Cassio keyboards, Produce parsnips, peaches, pears, peas, peppers, pomegranates, potatoes, everything from artichokes to zucchinis prepared in a pepperoni dip.
The Deli served up choice beef braised in Barolo, bay leaves, broth and mirepoix (meerPWAH), a French aromatic base of diced onions, carrots and celery slow-cooked in butter or oil. The classic ratio is two parts onion to one part carrot and one part celery, though variations exist like the Cajun “Holy Trinity” (onion, celery, green bell pepper) or Italian sofrito with olive oil and herbs, tender to the fork.
“My next belt needs to be a size larger,” muttered the Wacko, looking like a plumped-out Andy Warhol, told the clerk.
It was after hours. Staff rolled back shelves to make an impromptu amphitheater. All had just cashed fat paychecks and, since most lived below in the cellar, who needed designated drivers?
The hootnanny rang loud and clear, the Casio players, we swore at, might be the next Vivaldis. “Yes, this will be life-post-Trump,” the Owner boasted, “if you vote for me.”
He was just a small Boss but, with the right backing, perched atop the podium with a Stars & Stripes backing. Now what microphone? Electronics set up a $4,395 Neumann U 47 FET Collector’s Edition condenser/microphone through which his baritone painted the cleared-out store with captive audience like Johnny Cash tones.
With a $310,719 ARRI 8x Signature Primes & ALEXA 35 TV Production Set now available at $18,500 off through B&H Photo, whose store fills full Manhattan block!), all he needed now was a Busby Berkeley-type director/producer and Lionsgate distributor, this time running only for Michigan Governor … A perfect pick for Veep!
As flasks were passed another buzz spread through the stripped-out store. Power opportunities!
The Clerk was lobbying to be Secretary of Schnapps, the Supervisor Fireball Whiskey, Produce Agriculture and Toys to replace Pete Hegseth as Secretary of War. Already Kristy Noem and Pam Bondi had packed their bags ..
.
The Crazed Coot knew he overqualified for either position after so many belts, heavyweight to flyweight, except for the one he came for. With his pants hanging down, Press Secretary would be perfect.
Karoline Leavitt, he knew, would be leaving soon, a tough act to follow. As she said, “You always want to be the best-read person in the room, I try to be every day, but Donald Trump always is.” All he would have to do is switch out the tyrants’ names …
But now it was this Owner on the Duraflame stump smoldering like Northern Lights rainbow skies. Three cauldron-boiling witches stooped over its nearby twin chanting, “Boil, bubble, toil and trouble.” and he thought the best course was vote for them …
