By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Dating Base
Why do I need DatingAdvice.com? At my age I do only blind dates and carbon dating. Still, for us fossils, there’s always something new.
The website says “hardworking” is the one word single women use most to describe men in Michigan.
That’s no more one word than “softworking,” which no one admits they are.But why bother quibbling?
Our publisher gripes about “hardworking” taxpayers being bilked by our government representatives but is mum about studying harder before we vote.
Not me. Researching DatingAdvice, I learned its 250+ experts asked 3,000 single women to sum up men from their states a single word. The Great Lakes State was one of six in which women picked “hardworking.” Others were Alaska, Kentucky, South Dakota, Vermont and Wyoming.
Florida men were deemed “immature,” Colorado men “rude,” Kansas “lazy,” Ohio “clingy,” Texas “arrogant,” California “detached” and New York “aloof.”
What a great guide for budding brides. Don’t like “overbearing” New Jersey men? Move to Arkansas, where they are “laid back” like Bill Clinton. Oregon guys too “unpredictable”? In Delaware they’re “reliable” like Joe Biden.
But what about us men? Don’t we need help with one-word generalizations too? I mean other than “beautiful,” “rich” and “letsyouwatchsportsanddrinkbeerwithoutnagging” (since“hardworking counts as one word,).
What we need are more-nuanced terms to apply to all 5+ million Michigan women who should rightly pamper us for being so hardworking. Words like trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent, like in a Boy Scout Oath for girls.
It’s not like I buy into bi- or am in a trance about trans-. I don’t relate well to any human. Since DatingAdvice gave me none, I reverted to reverse osmosis. It did say what traits women most want to change in men.
Thirty percent said “communication,” 24 “ambition,” 18 “sense of humor,” 17 “approach to relationships” and 11 “emotional availability.”
When I tried to relate to my date about Purdue basketball, she replied, “Who cares? Let’s talk about ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”
“The Boilermakers,” I said, “had stars and went to the ‘Big Dance’ last year,” but “So what?” she said
“I’m hardworking but not ambitious?” I asked, falling back on logic. “How does that work?”
“You don’t work hard enough to please me.”
“That’s funny,” I said.
“It’s your whole approach,” she complained.
“Can’t you see I rolled up in a Porsche?”
“No, I’m blind. You don’t show your emotions either.”
“If you could see them …”
“I have other senses,” she said. “Can’t you understand?”
When my carbon isotope detector confirmed this date had gone on too long, I went to the restroom, crawled out the window and left her the tab for our meal of Fresca and refried Spam.
Back home, I checked my email and DatingAdvice had sent me another: “What modern women want in a man,” it teased.
Financial Security? Throw out that one.
Hobbies? “Reading” was tops among samples listed at 98.2 percent. Would ladies go gaga if I said Kafka? “Writing” registered 93.8 percent and “Photography” 90.5. Also promising, but then came the third one.
Not you, it said.
Searching further, I learned one of the website’s experts, Stacey Ysidro, was a Certified Erotic Blueprint Lead Coach. How could I get certified for that?
Studying on, I learned JAIYA, who had certified her, would lead a Pleasure Island Erotic Blueprint Workshop Oct. 17-20 in Denver, among all those rude Colorado guys, for $1,290 (upgrade to VIP for $3,497).
Deciding a new approach to my relationship was in order, I called the blind date I’d stiffed to ask her for money.
“You have nerve!” she huffed.
“I’ll have even more when I get my Erotic Blueprint.”
“Ha-ha. Hold on.” I assumed she was pulling out her credit card when BANG-BANG went the door. A SWAT team was there. She had traced my call.
Breaking rocks in the hot sun is not soft work, but I’m a Michigan man. Plus it beats the one word — compound, actually — dates call me: “a-hole something.
“I could use a drink,” I told the warden. “What time do the bars open?”
“For you, never,” the warden said.
